Getting into the habit of good negotiation might be hard, especially if you’re not used to talking about what you want. However, the outcome of safe, enjoyable rope is worth pushing through a process that can be awkward before you’ve practiced it, and good negotiation technique leads to everyone getting what they want out of a scene.
We cannot stress strongly enough how important negotiation is. If you discuss nothing else you must cover:
- A rough idea of what you could be doing. (Top tip for tops: if you don’t want to give the game away, talk in general terms and get consent for a number of options. That way they don’t know straight away what you’ll be doing, but you will have given them enough context for them to give you the information that you need. Don’t ever proceed without informed consent).
- Where it is okay and not okay to be touched.
- Where it is okay and not okay to place rope.
- Injuries and strains.
- Relevant phobias, traumas and hard limits.
- When will you debrief, and your preference for check-ins after the scene is over.
If you haven’t before, it might be worthwhile to sit down and explore your relationship with rope internally. Ask yourself: why do I do rope? What is my favourite mood to tie/be tied in? What do I hope to get out of tying/being tied? What risks am I willing to take, and what is outside of my risk profile? What are my limits? This will provide a foundation for your negotiations.
As every scene differs, it is important to quickly run through these questions again every time you negotiate for a scene – something that might be great with one partner or in one setting, might not be okay in other circumstances.
Hopefully, all the parties in the scene have managed to be introspective about their needs and wants – the trick then is to communicate these to each other, and find the common denominators – the things that everyone involved is up for and that is within everyone’s risk profiles.
Some useful questions to get the conversation going, which apply to everyone, top, bottom or switch, include:
- How is your body feeling today? Got any aches or pains?
- How are you feeling today, what is your mood?
- How would you like to feel during and after our scene?
- What kind of rope do you want to do? Hard, difficult rope? Soft, sensual rope? Technical brainy lab time?
- Is there anywhere you don’t want me to put my hands?
- Is there anything you would like to do/me to do? E.g. face rope, hair pulling, impact, obedience, fighting back?
- What type of communication would you prefer? E.g. traffic light system, full sentence verbal communication throughout, hand squeezes. Will we honor “no” to mean “no”, or do you want to/me to beg for mercy and use a safeword insead?
- Are there any potential barriers to that kind of communication? E.g. going nonverbal, freezing or dissociating?
- Have you done [x] before? E.g. predicaments, suspension, sadistic rope?
- Do you like to have music in the background? What kind?
- What aftercare do you like/want/need? Is everything you need available at hand? E.g. water, chocolate, blankets?
- Do you prefer to debrief straight after the scene or at a later point?
Example sentences for the person being tied in this scene:
- You can touch me anywhere but here and here (holding hands over the areas).
- Don’t put any rope around my neck, and choking is a hard limit.
- Please [do/don’t] pull my hair.
- I’m happy for you to put rope anywhere today (NB: this would include crotch ropes etc.) but please don’t don’t put your hands anywhere here or here.
- I like my wraps placed here.
- I’m feeling really stretchy today, could we do some really hard, tight rope? And maybe some stressful positions?
- When [x] happens, sometimes my body reacts in [y] way. If that happens, it’s best if you do [z].
- I sometimes lose circulation in my hands in a box tie position. This [is/is not] within my risk profile and I would like you to [continue if it’s within your risk profile/take me out as soon as possible].
- Sometimes I react to being bitten by biting back. Is that okay with you?
- I prefer to debrief right after a scene while everything is still fresh in my memory./I prefer to debrief few hours after a scene when I’ve had time to process.
Have a think about things you might say – it is common to have phrases you use every time you negotiate.
Example sentences for the person tying in this scene:
- I thought we might do a bit of floor work, then a partial to low level suspension if it goes that way – that ok with you? Is there anything I should bear in mind?
- I tie in a very [fill in the blank] way. If this isn’t OK with you, please let me know now. It’s OK to put off tying together until you have had a chance to see me tying with someone else too.
- I have bad knees so I prefer to tie [standing/sitting/on a chair].
- I like to mix [impact/wax/sensory deprivation] play with my rope, how do you feel about that?
- I really [do/don’t] enjoy a bit of a struggle and when the person I tie fights back.
- Is it okay if I message you tomorrow to check in on how you’re doing?
Have a think about things you might say – it is common to have phrases you use every time you negotiate.
And finally, a quick checklist for right before you start tying!
- Do you have your safety shears handy?
- Does anyone need to go to the loo?
- Does anyone have asthma? Do they have their inhaler handy?
- Has everyone eaten and drunk enough today, but not so recently that they might feel queasy in rope?
- Has everyone taken any medication they need?
- Is the temperature comfortable?
And that’s it – have a great time!
These are not exhaustive lists, and not everything might apply to you, but we hope it’s a useful starting point.
Last updated 18/11/2022